I was raped at camp when I was twelve. It was at one of the Saturday night dances. I knew the boy, he was sixteen, but we were not more than mere acquaintances. I stood on the porch outside the room where my friends danced, and he came up behind me. He twirled me around and kissed me, and I just tried to remember the tips from teen magazine. It was my first kiss, and I thought about how I would always tell my kids about this moment.
But then the romance ended. He pushed me against the wooden banister and raped me. I worried about my fancy skirt being ruined; I was supposed to save it for the last dance of the summer. I went back to my cabin and blocked the incident for three years; I still call it "the incident".
I still have nightmares and am often terrified and paranoid, even six years after the rape. But I am still here, and if my experience prevents one other woman from being raped, I would not change history.
This is very difficult for me to write because no one really knows about it except for a few people. But after reading all these other stories that helped me so much I decided that I had to add my voice.
I was raped when I was seventeen by a 21-year-old man that I had sort of been seeing. I met him the same day that I had broken up with a long-term boyfriend because of his heroin abuse, so I was pretty depressed and definitely vulnerable. Mark seemed so nice and soft-spoken and understanding, so I figured what the hell. I went with him to his apartment that same night to watch a movie. We kissed a bit but nothing really happened. He did one weird thing, though: he bit my lip really hard, so it swelled up, but he apologized so much that I assumed it was an accident.
The next weekend I didn't want to go home because I didn't get along with my parents. He told me I could crash at his place, so I went over there. We smoked some pot and I was pretty high, then he got me a glass of Pepsi which I'm sure now was spiked with some sort of tranquilizer (like Special K or something). Soon after I drank it I passed out completely. I felt like my body was very heavy and I couldn't keep my eyes open. I woke up a couple of times during the night, once when he was taking my clothes off, and once when he was pressed up behind me kissing and biting my neck. But I was too sedated to understand what was happening and I passed out again. The next time I woke up it was morning and he was raping me. He had my wrists pinned above my head and it hurt, and as soon as I realized what was happening I screamed stop. He ignored me the first time but the next time I said it he got off of me immediately. He stared at me and he looked crazy. He was much bigger and stronger than me and I felt so intimidated that I told him if he put a condom on he could finish. So he did. I still blame myself for letting him do that.
The next thing I remember we were in his kitchen, and he was offering to make me pancakes like nothing had happened. I didn't really understand what had just happened; I just knew I wanted to get the hell away from him. So he drove me back to my car and I went home and showered for an hour.
I told one or two people about it, but I always told it like it was this huge miscommunication between him and me rather than a rape. I didn't even admit it was rape until a year after it happened. It's been three years now and I finally feel like I'm getting better even though I have frequent panic attacks and can't stand being in any situation where I can't leave if I want to. For a long time I thought it was my fault for being stupid enough to go over there with him and fool around and get high. Sometimes I still fall into that trap, but more and more I know that it wasn't my fault.
Thanks, I hope this helps someone else the way your stories helped me.
It's been little over six years and now I am beginning to deal with it. One horrific night changed my life and it is something that I will have to live with everyday for the rest of my life.
It was a warm summer night in July 1993. I had foolishly decided to "break night" (stay out all night with my friends. But my friends at the last minute couldn't do it and I was stuck all by myself. I ended up calling "my friend", Lewis, who was in fact down the block at the bar celebrating his best friend, Shane's birthday. It was me and about 6 guys. For some reason, we split up. I somehow ended up at another friend's place.
It was Shane's 18th birthday and of course and he was drunk. I did think he was cute and I did want to hook up with him. We went into the room and began to fool around. We started to get more into it. I told him that I didn't want to have sex. He kept pursuing and it got to the point where I got up and started to put my clothes on and go to the door. He got up, ran to the door and locked it. I attempted to leave the room many times but he just grabbed me and threw me back on the bed.
At one point I knew that he wasn't take "NO" for an answer. I knew I wasn't getting out of there without him getting something from me. I was so afraid at that point. I didn't want to make matters worse. So, I let him in me and told him only for a little bit. I let him do it for about 5 minutes then told him to stop. He wouldn't. I begged him to stop and again he wouldn't.
He had me cornered against the wall still inside of me. I started screaming and kicking and punching and slapping and crying for him to stop and he wouldn't. I had never felt so helpless in my life. I was actually saved from his friend. "Hey Shane we gotta meet everyone else now" So he finally got off of me.
We left and met back up with the others which included my so-called friend, Lewis. The second I saw him, I ran to him and told him what happened hysterically crying. There was not much he said about it. He took me back to his place to sleep. There, in his bed, still crying, he began touching me. He knew what I had just been through. I was so scared and so vulnerable. He promised me he wasn't going to do what Shane did. The next thing I knew he was inside of me. I told him to stop and he immediately got off of me. That night, I cried of myself to sleep.
I was only 14 years old at the time. I was young, naive and stupid. And everyday on since then, I pay the consequences. I have lost so much because of it.
