My name is Amber, and I am 18 years old. Here is my story, it may not be as traumatic as others, but I need to share it with you.
I had a pretty normal childhood, my Mom and Dad were the "perfect" parents, and I have many happy memories from those early years. When I was 7 years old, my parents got divorced. My sister was 6 months old at the time. My Mom, sister and I moved from our house in a small town, to the capitol city of our state. It was definitely a major change. My Dad had visitation rights, and every Wednesday, my sister and I would spend the afternoon with him. We also visited him every other weekend.
Things went fine until I started my sophomore year in high school. Sure Dad and I'd had fights before, but they were becoming more frequent, and heated. By this time I had one of my first boyfriends, we'll call him "Dan." He was a grade older, and I'd had a "crush" on him for a few months. We started dating in September of my sophomore year. Dan and I had a great relationship, we never fought, and we respected each other. Meanwhile, Dad and I were fighting more and more, it went on for a while, and became almost routine. I dreaded going to visit him, and tried my hardest to find new excuses not to visit. I would like to point out that up until this time he never hurt me in any way besides emotionally.
In April 1996, things started falling apart. I was at Dan's and Dad had told me that I could stay out until 10:00 (it was a Friday night). Dad called Dan's around 7:30, and said I had two choices: 1. Have Dan bring me home now, or 2. Dad would come get me now. I asked "why?" and he said "which do you choose?" I hung up on him, and started crying. Dan asked what happened, and I told him what had been said on the phone.
I should probably tell you at this time that Dan lives about 3 blocks from my Mom's, and my Mom's house is about a mile from my Dad's house.
Back to the story. I asked Dan to take me to my Mom's, and he said "of course, whatever you want" We were almost to my Mom's, when my Dad pulled up out of nowhere, and jumped out of his Jeep while we were at a stop sign. Dan and I were both shocked, to say the least. My Dad came around to my side of Dan's car, opened it and pulled me out. He dragged me over to his Jeep, and threw me up against it, and then threw me inside. He was screaming at Dan, and I was trying to figure out what to do. I had never been so scared in my life. Right when I was about to call 911 on Dad's cell phone, my Mom drove by. She just happened to be on her way to Burger King. I got out of the Jeep, and ran to her car. We drove off and I told her what had happened. We both felt guilty about leaving Dan there with him, but didn't know what else to do.
That was the first major incident of many to follow. I'll skip the rest of those incidents and get on with the story. On Jan. 20th, 1997 I told my Mom that I was staying at a friend's house. Instead, we drove out of town to meet some friends at a party. Dan and I had broken up, and I was kind of seeing a guy we'll call "Mac," who was supposed to be there. We drove to the party, and sure enough, Mac was there. We were all hanging out, and we decided to stay the night there. I was still a virgin at this time (I was 15). I'd had 3 or 4 beers, and I suppose I was drunk. It was the first time I'd ever had alcohol before. Mac was being so nice and sweet to me, that I agreed to sleep in the same bed as him. It made sense at the time, all the other beds were already occupied. As soon as I laid down, I felt really sleepy and dizzy. I might have passed out, I don't remember many details. The next thing I knew, Mac was on top of me, and I was naked. I remember telling him "NO!", and "please stop." He was hurting me. He pretended not to hear what I said, and told me to be quiet, so I didn't wake anyone up. After that, I just started crying, and praying it would be over soon. It finally ended, and Mac made me drink something, I thing it was whiskey. All I know is that it tasted awful, and I just about threw up. I laid there for a second, and then passed out. I don't know if it was from the alcohol, or the shock of the rape.
The next thing I remember is waking up to someone pounding on the front door, it must have been about 4:00am. Then I heard a voice I recognized, it was my Dad. He was yelling to "open the door, it's Amber's parents!" I was scared, and scrambled to try and find my clothes. I got dressed as fast as I could, and someone opened the door. My Dad came storming in and dragged me out by my hair. My Mom was begging him to stop, and calm down, to let go of me. He started screaming at me, "you stupid little bitch," "you slut," "you probably fucked every guy in there, you whore." I was crying, and begging him to stop, he just kept on and on. Finally he threw me in the Jeep, and told my Mom to get in. We left, and he kept it up all the way home, (about 40 min). My Mom and I kept begging him to stop, but he wouldn't. He took my Mom and I home, and she said we'd talk in the morning.
few days later, Mac asked me if I remembered anything about that night, and I said "a little bit." That was the truth, I still don't clearly remember that night. He told me that "I had wanted it as much as he had," and that "I never told him to stop," so I was a willing participant. I wasn't sure what the truth was, so I believed him.
I've never told anyone what really happened that night, until now. I think I'm afraid that no one will believe me, since it's been so long. Plus, this isn't something I want everyone to know about.
Since Jan. 20th, 1997, I have not spoken to my Dad. I wrote him a letter after the incident, explaining how upset I was with him, and that this incident pushed me over the edge. He writes me 1 or 2 letters every year, and I read them, but don't respond. He tries to tell me he's changed, but as they say "actions speak louder than words." I can see that he is the same man he was back then, by the way he treats my little sister. I can already see the pattern beginning to repeat itself.
Three months ago (June, 1999), I received a letter from my Dad, and in it he told me that I was sexually molested when I was 3 years old by my uncle. My Dad wrote that he thought that I HAD remembered, and somehow transferred my uncle into him, and that he'd been the one who had molested me. As soon as I read that, I became hysterical. I had always felt that something wasn't quite right in my childhood, but never knew what that "something" was. My Mom had seen me freak out, and picked up the letter I had dropped when I ran to my room. She read it, and came to talk to me. I asked if it was true, and she said it was. She told me that when I was 3 years old, my uncle had been baby-sitting me, and when she came home, I told her "uncle Peter told me suckie, suckie." Mom and Dad took me to the hospital, and had me examined. The doctor told them that I had been raped. I had been forced to perform oral sex on my uncle, and then he raped me.
My parents took me to a therapist, and he told them that I had blocked it from my memory. He also said it would be best if they never told me, unless I remembered, and asked. My parents agreed never to tell me, and for then, that was the end of it.
While Dan and I were together, I had a dream one night about being molested when I was young. I told him, and he was very understanding. I can't recall if I told him it was a dream, or reality.
Since finding out about my uncle, I have come to understand some of my relationship problems. I have a very hard time talking about my feelings when I'm in a relationship, and I can't bring myself to perform oral sex. Every time I've tried, I've almost been sick. Knowing about my past has really helped me understand these feelings, and though I haven't been able to overcome these obstacles, at least I understand why I have these problems.
Throughout everything, Dan has been there for me every step of the way. Whenever I need a shoulder to cry on, he's there. If I'm having a "personal crisis," he gives me advice on what to do. Even if I'm just feeling down, he's there to listen. I don't think he could ever realize how important he is to me. Even though we haven't been a couple for over 2 years, I still love him with all my heart, and nothing will ever change that. He has been my support system, and also my best friend. For that I thank him from the bottom of my heart.
Well, that is the end of my story, and I hope that by reading it you will realize that you are not alone. Thank you for taking the time to read this, it has really helped me to finally put into words everything that happened to me.
If you would like to comment, chat, or have any questions, please feel free to E-mail me at: Sand4x4319@AOL.COM. I would be more than happy to talk with you.
I was fourteen when it happened. My step dad did it to me. He was always on me for some reason or another. Finally one day when we were home alone he said he was going to teach me a lesson.
He grabbed me and pulled me down the hall to my little sister's room. I tried to fight free but he was too strong. He stripped me naked and then he made me put on a pair of my little sister's panties and one of her dresses. He said he was going to teach me what happened to sissy boys like me and he forced me down on the bed and sodomized me. After that he used his belt and whipped me.
He took me back to the living room and told me he would whip me again if I didn't do what he said and he made me perform oral sex on him. After that day he called me his 'little girl ' and made me wear my little sisters clothes and have sex with him whenever my mom wasn't home. He even made me dress up and play with my sister in a dress.
He told her she couldn't tell my mother because she would me upset with me, so she didn't. He finally left us and my sister and I never told anyone.
Terry
Two summers ago was a summer I will never forget probably for the rest of my life. I went on a vacation thinking it was to be one of the greatest weeks I would ever remember. And ironically, for as horrifying as it was, it was most definitely memorable.
I was on a vacation in the Caribbean. My sister and three friends of ours were at a bar drinking outside of our hotel. After the bar closed, the bartender said we could hang out around there as long as were careful. So we did. Everyone went off either talking to people they met at the bar or they went swimming. I sat on a bench by the dock. This guy who had been helping my sister and I get used to the island came up to me and started talking with me. Next thing I knew, there was no one around and he raped me.
For days I was sick. Sick of thinking about why I couldn't stop him. Sick of knowing his hands were all over me. I never thought a day would come where it wouldn't cross my mind. And I'm sure it never will. But I never believed that I could ever be close with a guy or be able to trust him enough with out being scared of him. But I was wrong.
I met this unimaginable guy who is so understanding and heart-warming that makes me feel like I'm the most important thing in the world. No matter confused or unsure I get, he is always so patient with me. And for that I know he loves me for me and would never hurt me in any way. I only wish he could know how I feel when I'm in his arms. If only every girl could feel what I feel - pure happiness.
Katarina
