This was at the age of 7 or 8. I was spending the night at a cousins house. He's was 14. Before bed, we showered together and he asked if he could put his penis in me. I said I didn't want him to. So he didn't. When we got out, he wanted me to try to piss in the toilet while he sucked on it. I ended up pissing in his mouth. I look back now and see that he probably thought I would get hard and not piss.
After, we slept in the same bed and he kept trying to suck me. I remember sticking my thumb through my underwear to make him think it was my penis. In the middle of the night I woke up crying and wanting to go home...They said I had a bad dream and to go back to sleep.
On a family get together, the same cousin was in my room and I had started bringing up the topic of sucking. As I looked out the crack of the door to make sure no one was coming, he sucked me. I remember him asking if I got that certain feeling and I said yes twice. No cum. I remember liking it a lot. I asked him to do it.
After that, we met once after school in my back yard and had him suck my dick again. My mom had yelled down "what are you doing down there". I had said we were trying to start the lawn mower. She asked why and he left. I had wanted him to do it more. He had said he did this stuff with my brother too.
There was another time that my older brother had me come into his bedroom(he's 8 years older than me). He was on the phone with his shorts down laying on the bed. He told me to play with his penis which I did. He said he was doing this so I wouldn't get embarrassed in the locker rooms anymore at school. Its so weird, but I can see this scene in my head as it was yesterday. I'm 34 now. He asked me to suck it (cuttingly) but I didn't.
I'm still wondering why I liked this stuff at such a young age. Most don't ever say they initiated these activites. I remember always getting certain friends to go in woods with to suck each other. I wanted to do this (I was around 9 ). Looking back, I always liked boys and used to comment on some friends who had beautiful eyes at this age. Can't imagine someone relating to this. There's so much more....
My story begins with a boy, a boy I should always be able to trust. I was diagnosed with a kidney disorder at seven. I had reconstructive surgery. My brother was always envious of my father's protection and love towards me. When I began healing my brother decided to pay me back.
I use to blame myself for being such a trusting individual. He would tell me stories about what good girls did and how it made people respect them. I remember it was Christmas eve of 1981, he wanted to show me the stockings were stuffed and that Santa had shown up at our house. I trusted him and he led me to the bathroom to show me a game, he supposed I would surely enjoy. I went with him in complete faith.
He held me down and undressed my pubescent body, he was fifteen at the time. He stuck his fingers inside of me and the pain was overbearing. He fondled me and told me things of my sexuality and attractiveness I cannot fathom even at this time. He then penetrated me and continued to rape me repeatedly. I cried the entire time but he assured me that sports sometimes hurt in the eyes of competition. I hated him and never believed in trusting another man.
He continued to do this to me until I was twelve years old. I felt as though I had done something wrong and that my father's admiration was something I had brought upon myself. I deserved my revenge in a sense.
The pain has now ceased. I have reclaimed my own self worth. Knowing that people can take something from you, your sexuality or your innocence is a rape of your own self-worth. But I have decided to re-invent myself. Once you reclaim yourself, and your identity you can finally understand rape is NOT YOUR FAULT. People manipulate you and take advantage of their own flaws. You can never blame yourself.
I decided someone may have taken my virginity, someone I should be able to trust. But I claim my dignity and nobody can ever rob that from me. I have decided that a broken heart can create healing within. I want people to accept their violations and realize what a beautiful person this creates. Nobody deserves this treatment, but know it is not your fault and that you are still capable of love and trust. Their are so many people out their willing to help you through this trauma and I am one. Stand tall and realize this abuse makes you beautiful to me because only you can truly understand humanity.
I was 17. A couple of friends and I were at a party when "it" happened. There were some hot guys there, one of whom I'd had my eye on. He could tell I liked him, so he came over to me and we started to talk. He seemed nice enough, and I trusted him. His name was Jason.
Well, he asked if he could walk me to my house, and I agreed. My parents were out of town that week. I invited him inside and he took up the invitation. We sat on the sofa and talked for a while when he informed me that he needed to be excused. When he came out of the bathroom, he was stark naked. That was when I started to get really scared.
He told me to take off my clothes. I refused. So he pushed himself on top of me and started to touch me. I was feeling really uncomfortable by now, and I kept saying no. But he wouldn't listen. He started ripping my clothes off. He fondled my breasts and my vagina. He sucked at my nipples. I was screaming for him to stop, this guy I didn't even know. But he refused.
He forced me to perform oral sex on him. So I did. I was so scared. I was a virgin. He thrust it inside me. I hurt and was terrified. He dragged me upstairs and tied me to my bed. He then raped me four more times before leaving me there, exposed, and still tied.
I thought it was over. But he came back, with three friends. They each had their turns with me. I felt so dirty and used. They took pictures of me. At one point I was sandwiched between three of them. One on each side and one on top of me, raping me. I was constantly passing out.
I wanted to die. But finally, my friend came, seeing that I wasn't in school, and she literally saved my life. She called 911 and I went to the hospital. She has helped me find a counselor, and has been by my side the whole time, reminding me that it wasn't my fault. I love you Amy. Thank you.
Barb
