I've been surfin the web for the pass few days reading this type of stuff. I have finally decided that I need to get this off of my chest. I am going to try and go into as much detail as I can because I think this will help.
One of my friends were over my house. and I walked her halfway home. it was about eleven. but pretty nice out. it was raining, lightly. she lived pretty far so I walked awhile alone. there is a park near my house. so I stopped and sat there 4 a while. I sat there cuz there were a group of boys playing basketball in the courts. one of the boys included a boy who I was like in luv with. I adored him.
He saw me but didn't say nuthin. so I just sat there. three of them and him walked over to the bench I was sitting on and kinda started talking all this stuff. I live in a all white neighborhood and being black, they called me black beauty, hot chocolate, and all other things. they started talking nasty. askin me to give them head, and to have sex wit them. but he just stood there laughing. as I got up to leave, they followed me. they dragged me and carried me all the way down to the field, and into a small clearing. I screamed and kicked. there they stood me there calling names and not letting me leave.
One grabbed the back of my neck and forced me to my knees. he walked away not wanting to watch. I was forced to give two of them head. as the other was a watch out they then took turns raping me. I passed out during the time. because they were so much bigger than me and I was a virgin. I woke and they were still at it. I was being sucked on. and my legs were held down. they then dressed me and left me there. the look out apologized. and assured me they used protection.
I went home and stayed in the shower. I have not told anyone. and I feel so dirty. I know I should have never gone to the park. or I should have left when they started saying stuff. people always say don't play your self. but it is hard not too. I have so much hatred towards the boy I once liked so much. he always tries talking to me now. but I feel like a ho. I need help. but I can't tell anyone. I'm having dreams and flash backs. I cry all the time. Every time the subject of sex comes up. I feel so dirty and that everyone knows. I wish I could give my email out. but I can't right now. I'm glad I got some of this out. I am only 14
Name Withheld
My name is Elisha and I am currently in year 12 at Wantirna College. I'll be eighteen in December 2000 and I will be four on January 17th, 2001.
I have lived in a small-ish suburb just outside of Melbourne for my entire life. I am the youngest child of five, with 3 older brothers and 2 older sisters. Growing up, I was always on the older side of my peers. When they were interested in boys, music & makeup, I was interested in the wonders of the world & the beauty of nature. By the time year 8 rolled around, I had absolutely no interest in the opposite sex and spent most of my time with my best friends, rollerblading & doing `boy stuff`, as most of the girls called it... I was always a tomboy growing up. I was forever walking in the front door with grass stains on my knees or being covered from head to toe in mud.
At the end of year 8, with a great school report up my sleeve, I had the summer holidays to my disposal. I was awaiting my 14th birthday, the possibilities were endless. Roller blading, sleepovers, more skating. Roller blading was my life, I was born to skate & all my friends knew it.
One Friday night, around 5.00pm one of my friends *Richard... (Actually, no lets call him Dick, after all he was a dick) suggested that we all stay the night at *Jason's house because there was a movie marathon on TV & all of us could stay up all night & watch it together. We all agreed that this was a great idea, & skated home to tell our parents & grab the things we would need for the sleepover. My parents weren't too happy about the idea as I had tennis the next morning, I promised them I'd get an early night & I'd get a ride to tennis with * in the morning because I was in his team.
As I was saying before, I was a tomboy so naturally most of my friends were guys, all up there were 4 guys (*Dick* Jason, Michael & Simon), 1 girl, (*Sarah) & me. I'd never thought much about it before because I'd never thought that I would have to fight off my best friends. (Offenders names have been changed)
As the night progressed we began to grow bored by watching TV so we all decided to go outside & play `spin the bottle`. I thought this was a little unfair, as I was the only female, since *Sarah didn't want to play, but after a lot of convincing *Sarah and I both finally gave in, after we agreed. We played for awhile until * grew bored & announced she was going to bed, since I was the only female left I announced that I didn't want to play anymore & the guys pleaded for one more round which after some thought I finally agreed to. Although I never wanted to play in the first place, I didn't want to upset my friends; it would have been an understatement to say I felt awkward. It was a strange situation, as my friends had never shown any real interest in the opposite sex, or me for that matter, not in front of me anyway.
We finally went inside & Dick, Jason & Michael went up to the study to play around on the computer, I stayed with * & continued to watch TV. After about 10 minutes Dick came down the hall & said he needed some help with the computer, so I got up & went to the study with him to check it out. When I reached the room I asked him what he needed help with, he said "nothing" & that he just wanted to talk to me. I don't remember what we talked about, I actually don't remember talking at all.
I was sitting next to Dick on the floor at this stage, Jason was sitting on a chair in front of the computer & Michael was sitting on the floor on the other side of the room. All of a sudden Dick placed his hand on my leg & began to back me into the corner & proceeded to shift his weight on top of me, I pulled away and tried to start up the conversation again. He started kissing me & I kept telling him to stop. I pushed him off me & ran back to the lounge room where I jumped into my sleeping bag & eventually feel asleep to the sound of the guys talking in the background.
About an hour later at about 1.00am I awoke to the sound of the zip on my sleeping bag being undone by *Dick. I looked up & saw my 4 friends standing naked from the waist down around the room. I told him to leave me alone, but he wouldn't listen. He told me if I screamed he'd make my life hell & tell everyone what a whore I was. It was then & there that he raped me, with my other 3 `friends` standing around me in a circle, getting off on my pain. I don't remember how he got my clothes off or how long it lasted, all I remember is staring up at the ceiling feeling like I was sinking into the floor. After awhile my body went numb & the pain I'd felt at first no longer reminded. Sometimes I still get angry at myself for not being strong enough emotionally to fight him off, but he won.
After it was over, they all went back to watching TV & I cried myself to sleep. I remember coming home that Saturday morning after tennis was declared a `wash out` & sitting in the bath tub for 2 hours crying & scrubbing at my flesh as hard as I could, I felt so dirty & used. But I soon learnt that the dirt doesn't come off that easily. I used to wish I'd died that night on the lounge room floor, from fright perhaps, however now that I look back on it, I wouldn't give him that satisfaction of thinking he'd won.
That wasn't the only time *Dick sexually abused me, however, it was the first. During the next week it seemed that whenever he could get in me in a room by myself he'd try something. My memory is a little sketchy, but during that week I can distinctly remember 6 times that he'd successfully overpowered me. Most of the time I'd just pretend I was asleep so it wouldn't hurt so much until he woke me & forced me to perform oral sex. I only remember one thing that * ever said to me, the rest has escaped my memory, he once said to me: "You have such a great arse, it's a pity about you're face". I'm not too sure why this is the only thing I remember, maybe because it hurt so much.
I'm still not sure why I made the decision so late but, I finally disconnected from my friends totally, it was hard because I'd been friends with these people my whole life and had no one else to turn to. It was only a week later that I had to go back to school. I spent that week at 'Phillip Island' with my mum. I told no one. I kept it a secret and didn't say a word about it for two years.
By the time year 9 was over & year 10 was about half way through I'd nearly forgotten about 'the incident', but 2 years ago to this exact date, the memories all came flooding back. I remember I was sitting in history when I was overcome with intense fear, I started shaking & needed to go outside. My history teacher 'Catherine' took me outside & asked me what was wrong. I couldn't look her in he eyes & tell her I was too ashamed, I just couldn't do it. At the time my mum was going through tests to see if she had breast cancer, so I told my teacher that it was possible my mum had cancer & that's why I was upset. We talked for awhile & she finally referred me to our school Student Welfare Coordinator 'Rosanna'.
Within weeks I became deeply depressed, lethargic & was diagnosed with panic disorder. It became hard for me to pay attention in school, let alone stay seated in a class for 5 minutes without having an anxiety attack & having to leave class. My grades failed as a result. I became paranoid, withdrawn & argumentative, if I didn't get my way I'd fight & scream until I did. It wasn't until a year later of off & on sessions with Rosanna that I told her about the abuse. Since then I've been referred to another counselor & she's helping me immensely to this day.
Recently I've had memories of abuse from a friends, family member at the age of about 6 or 7. The memories are very small & still need to be put into proportion. I'm still working with them & and way on the path to healing.
Since working with close friends & counselors I've come to terms with my past & even though some days are hard, the good days, which strongly outweigh the bad, make it all worth while. Healing is indeed a hard task, but well worth it in the long run. I honestly thought that I'd never be the same again after I was raped... & I was right I'm not. However, I am indeed stronger, more capable & more assertive that I ever was before. Healing IS hard, but I've learnt that you can't give up on yourself & you can't suppress it no matter how hard you try. You need to work through it & talk to someone who can help. This is where the healing process begins.
I honestly hope I've helped someone out there, I know I've helped myself by writing this, as I've never done it before, it feels a relief to see it written down finally. I'd really like to chat with someone who has also been a survivor, so please, feel free to email me, I'd love to chat...
Elisha L Pritchard
icq: 15146928
website: www.angelfire.com/ns/ForeverSmiling/index.html
I don't remember when it started, I only know that up until my family moved away I was molested by three older "friends." It ended ten years ago, and I've just begun to deal with what happened. I never told my family because I was afraid they wouldn't believe me (two of my tormentors went to our church). Now I'm quiet because I don't know how to voice my thoughts because they've been silent all these years. I always knew it happened, I just didn't want to deal with it. I didn't really deny it happened, I just pushed it into a corner of my mind where I didn't have to think about it. Now, that's where I put anything that scares me and I don't think about for a long time. I never understood how it has impacted every aspect of my life until I recently decided to start dealing with it. I've always been afraid to go anywhere by myself, and I start to panic if I find myself in a room with just one other person. I've tried to have relationships with guys but all I feel is fear, panic, and distrust. I'm hoping for recovery so that I can start living a life that's never lived.
P.S. the e-mail is in my sister's name but I'll get it
