I not sure I have a right to tell my story in here but I feel that I need to say something. I'm an lesbian have been for almost 15 years, have 5 grown kids and have not been in any kind of relationship for over 6 years. My nightmare started just over a year ago when I wanted to go live in the mountains in Montana. I had a dog and a 2 cats and a peaceful place to live, did not bother any one, just worked, and lived by my self in my cabin about 50 miles from Helena. I work a lot of nights, so it would be very late when I got home.
One night when I got home, my dog did not say hello in his way. As I got out of my truck I said this a fine thing cant say hello to your mom, and that was all I remember. My world went black, when I woke up I hurt so bad I was not sure what had happened at first. Then it came to me. I was so afraid to stay, I drove my self back to town to the cops. It took 3 more days to realize what had happened to me and my nightmare started.
The policeman that talked to me said that it must have been my fault for living so far out , that I was asking for it, and being a "that type of person" what did want him to do about it? He really intimidated me to the point I shut up and shut down at the same time. I had no real friends to ask for help so I have just live with the flashbacks, trying to put it together, fighting the depression and the overpowering feeling that it was my fault. The panic attacks I have are overwhelming. At times I feel that every one knows about me.
I have moved to a new place out of MT and have been trying to get my life back. I just started counseling, hopefully some day I can feel like a person that can hold up her head again. Thanks for letting me put this into words and if any one wants to email me you are welcome to do so at: kid@fidalgo.net.
I was molested from the time I was about 7 or 8 yrs. old until almost 13. There, I said it. I am 47 yrs. old and I am finally able to talk about it. At least with my therapist.
It was a close relative who abused me. He lived with us during the summers. I still don't have a lot of details. I have blocked out so much of my childhood memories. Even the good ones. And I am sure there must have been some good ones.
I remember him being touched where I didn't want to be touched. I remember being so scared. I remember him coming into my bedroom at night and touching me. I remember him threatening me. I remember when I was a little older being terrified that I would get pregnant. I don't know why I thought that. I don't think he ever actually raped me. I am just not sure right now. I remember him telling me that no one would believe me anyway. And that it would be my fault because I was always trying to hang out with the boys. ( I was raised with 6 brothers. I was the next to youngest and always looked up to them.) I did try to follow them around, like most little kids do.
One incident I do remember pretty clearly though. My mother caught us once. She screamed at the boy and sent him to the barn to work. (My Father and brothers had their workshop there. They had a construction business). Then she turned to me and said "Don't ever let anyone touch you like that again!" The boy was right. It was My Fault!
My therapist and I have had many discussions about this. I had a terrible relationship with my Mother and I see now that this is why. I feel that I resented her for not helping me. No Protecting Me. Blaming Me.
This whole thing ruined my childhood and turned me into a bitter, angry, workaholic, Bitch. I hated men most of my life and can be an expert at cutting them to shreds with my sarcastic attitude. The shame and guilt I have felt all me life has been devastating. I felt I deserved every bad thing that ever happened tome. It was MY FAULT!
Thank God I have found a kind and caring therapist who has helped me tremendously. We are not to the mountain top yet, but I can at least see the peaks. He has told me a dozen times that it wasn't my fault. It never was and couldn't have been. But I think I need to hear it a couple of dozen more times before I really believe it. However, I have made it this far, I will SURVIVE!!
Thank you, and other sites like this for showing me that I am not alone. I felt so completely isolated and ALONE while growing up. It has been incredible to read stories of other people who have been through the same thing. Best of Luck to all who survive day to day.
Becky
One night I was at home and had gotten into an argument with my parents and was really upset so I left. I went to my friends house on the other side of town this person was my best male friend and he had been since we were little. He calmed me down and told me to go lay down in his bed, so I did.
Later I got up because I couldn't sleep so he gave me codeine so I would get some sleep. I eventually drifted off only to waken up to find him performing oral sex on me. I told him to stop but he didn't. I was so drugged I couldn't fight. He then proceeded to rape me.
After he was done he told me to get dressed and go home. I never told anyone out of fear and now I have to live with this nightmare while he walks free. It’s hard but my life is slowly getting back together. I will survive.
Elizabeth
