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I walked around angry for years. I always turned that anger inward towards myself for a very long time. Yet if you had asked me if I was an angry person I would have said no. When I couldn't be angry at the person who hurt me, I just pretended that I wasn't angry at all. I walked around like this for years. Yet sometimes I would get angry all out of proportion to what was happening and that would scare me. When I started journal writing and finally gave myself permision to let the anger out, the pen was ripping through 2 & 3 pages at a time, I was putting so much pressure on it! Now I have a place for the anger to go, and that helps. -Mary |
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I find not so much that Anger is the root of my problem, but the lack of any emotion at all. I find it hard to feel anything. From the age of 9 to 19, if have felt almost nothing, and cried even less. I learned very quickly how a person can manipulate their twisted mind, and your own confusion about what you should be feeling, to their own benifit. At the very least, when I think about being angry or screaming or crying, or showing some emotion, I find I no longer have the ability to express those feelings. I am dead inside. -Nic |
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Anger is all I ever seem to feel. It seems as though that is all I am ever able to feel. And the anger is mis-directed, it should be at them. But I can't do it. It is at me, for following them like a little lost puppy dog and allowing myself to be put into that position. It festers inside of me like this uncontrolable raging beast. And I literally hate myself for it. I hope to someday not have this dark side of me, that I can look at my shattered reflection and maybe that it may be whole ... -Jaime |
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I have never felt anger directly towards my assailant. He was my favorite teacher when I was 17/18. I am now 33 and I realize all of the anger was towards myself and its been very long journey.I was never self-destructive, but I had been depressed for several years following. I tried psycho therapy to redirect the anger toward him but I just didn't feel it. For the past 6 years I've been out of a depressed state and feel I've accepted the rape, but I'm concerned that feeling angry toward him would be the final acceptance (of myself) and it hasn't happened yet. -Jane |
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It has taken so long for me to deal with all the anger...Anger at myself "why didn't I get out" anger at my family "where were they?" anger at my friends "why didn't they try harder to help me get out from under his grasp" and I took it all out on myself. I would scald myself in showers, because I needed the heat. I did not realize that such blistering hot water was a bad thing, I just knew it felt good. Now I am starting to get angry at HIM. HE did this to me, I have to spend the rest of my life dealing with HIS moment of anger. That is not fair. I am getting angry at it not being fair. But the anger consumes me. I have learned that getting angry at myself won't take it away, it won't change what happened, but it will release the feelings, and maybe let it go. Anger is a part of healing. I am learning that it is ok to be angry. -Sharon |
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Anger is my loyal protection and destroyer of myself. -Butterflyfox |
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Anger...I think that I have ONLY experienced anger. Anger and hate. They naw at my heart and make me a contemptable person. But I know that I will overcome this. Because one day my anger will subside and my hatred will begin to dissolve. I will however, never forgive. I read all of these Survivor stories and I think "how noble and crazy that someone can forgive their abuser. I am so very different. I will never forgive and I will never forget. But one day I will not be angry. I will wake up one morning and the burden of my scars will be gone. I have faith in that. But, dear God. I hurt so much right now. My journey has just begun. I am only now, at 23, remembering. And my first reaction is ANGER. And most of the time, anger is what gets me through the day. Thank heavens for that. -MistyDawn |
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Thank you for this page, I am not alone in this twisted reality. Every waking moment a struggle to make it through the day, to go to work and smile and nod as if I were not screaming inside my head WHY!!!! I really want to let this anger go I want to scream at my father for the lies and the betrayal. Somehow though I always find myself holding back at releasing this fury onto him. He raped me from 3-12 and I still feel sorry for him? Yet I am furious at my mother for allowing him to live with her still. Why do I turn this rage inward until I am literally sick to my stomach? Why do I allow HIM the freedom of pity? I hope that one day I will be able to confront him and not feel one once of sorrow as I grind him into a pool of regret at the pain he has caused our whole family. -Amanda |
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Anger is a really bad feling,i have held anger in me for many years it has destroyed me many times,i want to hurt people the way i hurt i want them to feel the pain i feel,i was raped at 15 i was sexualy abused by my father my brother abused my daughter and i tried to commit suicide,i take things out on my husband who is the sweetest man in the world,ive been married 5 times and all my exhusbands beat me or sexualy abused my daughters i wanted them to die i wanted to kill them myselfi am very angry i say things to my husband and my children that i dont mean my husband is a very loving man i want the anger to go away -Sherry |
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I have just completed an anger management course and it has been the single most important thing I have done for myself since my assault ten years ago when I was 19 (apart from taking up kick-boxing in the last 2 years which I wish I'd done long before!) I had been confusing my anger with my irritations with my partner, friends and family with the anger at being dragged down that alley by that man all that time ago. My anger has not gone away and probably never will, but I now know how to express it in a healthy way for me and not confuse it with other things in my life. Everyone gets angry. Some people may have more reasons than others. I have won one more battle in the war of my recovery. I recommend it. -Michelle |
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I wish I could be angry at the right people. It is funny how it is so easy to get angry at the wrong people, people who care about you and have been there for you. I get angry at people for absolutely no reason at all. Then I get angry at myself for being so out of control and crazy. Funny how I don't seem to get angry at the people who made me feel that way. -Radha |
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Anger.. thereīs a word I dont relate to well. Havenīt felt real anger for years, feels like Iīm allergic to it. I canīt take if someone yells or gets mad enough, I just shut it off, I literally do not hear them anymore. I can see their lips moving and their angry looks, but I donīt hear it. I have an immense tolerance for peoples actions just to not piss anyone off. I know anger is something healthy to express but I donīt seen to know how, I get all these feelings that I dont know where to put or what to do with, and then I just cool myself down, as quick as I can. You lower your pulse and get cold. Feelings of any kind, just too much of it, does not work for me. For me - anger is lethal. Anger hurts people. People have been hurt enough. I have been hurt enough. We all falter, does it matter? -Celia |
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So very angry no matter how long ago it was, no matter how far away he is from me that anger is that so easy to call up. I feel that if I ever saw him again I would let it all out in some physical hurt. I dreamed about stabbing him but I know that I never could because the fear is bigger than the anger and I would shrink away. -Kyly |
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My rape happened two years ago, and I am very angry. I thought it was my fault, that I was stupid and naive and should have known better. I never thought of myself as the victim type, but it came back to haunt me recently when my rapist told someone I knew and that person rubbed it in my face. It has forced me to deal with this issue and bring the anger to the surface, but at least now I can start to deal with it instead of feeling dirty and pretending like it never happened. -Kelly |
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The very thought of men makes me want to explode, and right now I can't hardly even think of God without being furious. I've always been a fairly even-tempered person, and would watch other people get angry about the things that happened to me when I was a child without feeling angry myself. But lately it's all I can do to hold it in. Since I haven't ever been an anger-expressing kind of person, people are shocked and kind of disapproving toward the anger that I've tried to describe. I don't know. I just know that sometimes I feel this hate and I don't know what to do with it. Not the first clue. So I just sit on it...which I'm pretty sure is not the way to do things. -Jenni |
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I hate that he gets to walk around and work. Because of him I lost my job and had to move and have to deal with crying constantly and in therapy. He isn't even in therapy for what he did (and acknoledges he did). I am very angry. I have little patience with my dog and yell at him sometimes and I feel bad because it isn't his fault and I just can't seem to get a handle on my temper sometimes lately. -Judy |
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Anger is something that I have never let myself feel. Although I understand that 10 years of sexual abuse should and has provoked this within, I hav burried it for too long. I do have displaced outburts, but I can not connect anger with my abuse. As a result I feel nothing, I have closed myself off to the most powerful emotion within me, thus closing all other emotions. I feel nothing, I am paralyzed. -Dawn |
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I am angry,angry wih myself,angry at everyone whose around me.Feeling they know,know what happened,looking at me in discust.Im angry at the world,angry at my bestfriend who promised to protect me from above,but most of all Im angry with myself.Wishing I was stronger wishing I was the person I used to be,but Im not Im Lonely,Scared and Lost.Im ANGRY because I dont no who I am anymore,Angry for letting him take me away. -Byneta Robinson |
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I've never really felt much anger towards the man behind my sexual abuse. I wasn't raped but I was touched and played with and made to suck this guys dick. So was my brother. I was nine years old... No, the anger I feel is directed, not to that guy, but towards myself. At little nine year old me for being such a naive foolish child. For not knowing what I was doing. For not getting away from it. For years I hated myself. I didn't trust anyone and if anyone tried to be my friend I'd push them away. I'm almost nineteen now and I've never had a proper boyfriend. On Saturday nights I'm at home reading. I've never been drunk, I don't go out. The last time I went out with a group of my friends was two years ago at a staff do. I jump at anyones touch, even female friends. If someone hugs me, I try to get away. THAT'S WHAT i'M ANGRY ABOUT. I AM STILL FEELING LIKE THIS NINE YEARS LATER! I'M ANGRY BECAUSE I'M WEAK. TOO WEAK TO GET OVER SUCH A STUPID THING! And I'm angry at him...for taking away my ability to trust... -Rachel W. |
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