All alone in a dark cold room
being afraid I was destined to doom
I could see the eyes
they were watching me
waiting and wanting to get to me
Never a child
I was destined to be
only a body filled with fear you see
Always wondering what would come next
Always watching for him to come and get me
How can a parent hurt a little child
Their innocence taken away
God gave them their child to love and hold
but to my father, it wasn't his way
Now I must go on
in this dark world
wondering when it will end
When will I ever stop being afraid
When will my heart ever mend
I work each day
to be strong and bold
to teach my children to love and hold
I want then to know
The love I had lost
I will teach them this at any cost
At times in my life
I've wanted to die
to excape from the feelings
Of darkness inside
but then one day God came to me
He told me "My Child, you can be free"
He told me to trust Him
to not be afraid
When I think of my past
just turn it away
He told me to love him
To ask for His help
He said He was there
right from the start
He said that His Angels
where holding me
they were alway there
I just couldn't see
When I'm afraid of my haunting past
I look up to God and to Him I ask
Send me your Angels to comfort me
to show me to lead me to what I will be
Today my life is still unsure
but I know I will make it
He said this is true.
Every morning when I awake
I thank my God for all He's made
I pray to Him for strengh and love
and look for His beauty, his special dove
My hurt and pain may always be there
but it doesn't rule my life
I let my Father in Heaven above
teach me to take my life in strife
May all of you who hurt inside
be blessed my Our God above
May his Angels always be by your side
and May you always feel His love
it's more than the act it's the lifestyle that follows
knowing you broke down
in the worst way
at the most inopportune time it's a parasite
slowly eating you out
it's the sledgehammer memory
pounding your skull
every time you close your eyes
it's a thought never said
a heart always broken
it's the smudge on your clothes the wrinkles
that seperate you from all
the other straight-starched people
it's a disability to which others sympathize
yet no one it seems
can empathize with
it's a stunt in your growth it's the glass wall
you subconsciously build
between you and those
who said they would be there
and weren't that one time
it's the slur in your speech
that everyone senses
but can't quite detect
it's resistance to love it's blame
it's that time of excruciating pain
between feeling sick
and actually throwing up
it's those days when you want to just hide
forever it's a constant cold
it's covering your head with shame
it's living as a statistic it's was drives you
to residing to an easy escape
it's when living turns to surviving it's rape.
you're like dialing 911 and hanging up
you're the fear i will never overcome
not because i'm scared
but because i'm stuck
on the security it brings it's my excuse
overused yet believed so true
you're that torn out page
in the book of my life that keeps reappearing
no matter how many times i cut and tear
and throw it away you're that clue
that ties my whole life together
makes my actions understandable
yet keeps me torn apart
you watched me fall, you let it ring
but didn't bother to call, ask how i'm doing
you're my ulsar and my white chocolate
so bad...for me you're like dialing 911
screaming and hanging up
My soul wants to open the door
because it feels so sore
from the bad thoughts and feelings it did stash
It wants to make them into trash
and it wants to begin a new life
and shout that I am not my dad's wife
but a person who wants to be free
and who wants to learn to be
a person who wants to dare
to really care
about making a difference with all my strengths
and for this it will go to great lengths
to find these abilities
to make realities
and to let in all the love
from the one above
to be a child
that is not wild
and is not a whore
no more
but able to play
with each new day
and able to see
how wonderful life can be
You
were supposed to teach me how to walk
and how to talk
how to play basketball
how not to spend money at the mall
how to play
how to be free and have a say
how to love
especially the one above
But instead
you taught me shame
and slut was my first name
you taught me self-contempt
and you thought I had so much lust for you so I could
tempt
you to do those horrible things to me
Did you not see
I never wanted it
not one bit
you also taught me ambivalence
you thought you had such balance
the wife you could always adore
the daughter who was your whore
You taught me how to feel betrayed
and from my soul I strayed
pretending it did not happen
until my memory did dampen
my life
you always treated me like a wife
I was your child
I became wild
