FRIENDS

Most of the options mentioned for 'Partners' are equally relevant when choosing which friends to include as part of your Support Team. When asking them for help you could consider whether they would be prepared to:

• Receive phone calls when you are distressed, including at night.
• Listen if you need to talk about the abuse and your feelings
• Accompany you when you need support, G.P.'s appointments, shopping etc...

Like your partner, friends will have their personal, needs too. So, some negotiation will have to take place about what they can offer. You may be that all this asking for help sounds very weak, and that as a man you should be able to cope. Try to remember:

• It's a sign of courage not weakness. The journey you're embarking on is very difficult and some teamwork will help you get to where you want to go.
• You don't have to ask everyone for help. To help you through times of crisis choose one or two special friends who you are close to and trust.

FAMILY

Generally, all the above options hold for family too. But there are also a number of pitfalls to be aware of:

• Your abuser may still be around. If he/ she is, you'll have to weigh up very carefully what contact you want. Having contact with your abuser may trigger distress at any time. This could be even worse if you feel in a crisis.
• Now is not the time for family disclosures and confrontations in order to get more support. Such confrontations need very careful planning and do not necessarily result in you getting what you want. To try it whilst you're feeling in crisis is very risky.

Nevertheless, you may have someone in your family who you are particularly close to. This may be someone you could consider including in your Support team. As well as needing to be a good supporter you might want to consider the following:

• If they already know about the abuse are they supportive?
• Have they shown that they are 'on your side', and do not have the sort of divided loyalties which could make them 'leak' things out to the family and your abuser. In a crisis this could cause you the sort of extra stress you don't need.
• Are you able to see them separately from the family? It may not help you handle your crisis if you have to go into a stressful family environment to get support.

PROFESSIONAL HELPERS

There are a number of different types of professional helpers:

One question you may be asking is: should I get individual counselling therapy? A good counsellor or therapist can be a great help on your journey. Some Survivors have found them a life line. Others manage OK without them. Whatever your view, remember that they are just people and so need to show you the qualities of a supportive person mentioned above. In addition you may want to check out the following:

• Has the counsellor ever worked with survivors of sexual abuse?
• Have they worked with men abused as boys?
• What training have they had?
• Who are they accountable to? e.g. a supervisor or professional body.

This may help you decide whether you think the counsellor is competent and has knowledge of the issues. In terms of dealing with a crisis you may want to ask:

• Do you do emergency sessions?
• Can you be contacted at home in a crisis?
• This will give you some idea about what level of support you can expect from them.
• You may or may not be able to afford counselling/therapy. Privately, it doesn't come cheap. Two options to consider here are:
  • Seeing if your G.P. is prepared to fund a counsellor. Family Doctors often control budgets and can decide what to spend money on. Or they may have a counsellor attached to the surgery. Is so try to negotiate reduced fee with a private therapist. They often operate a sliding scale for people on reduced income.

Always choose a counsellor or therapist carefully and be prepared to shop around until you're satisfied. Unfortunately, whilst most counsellors and therapists are safe, there are some who have abused clients sexually, emotionally, or financially. In 'Resources for Recovery' at the rear of this pack we suggest a useful MIND booklet on 'Talking Treatments.'

If you decide that you need some individual counselling to get you through the crisis try not to see it as a sign of weakness or failure. Men sometimes tell themselves this. It's really the opposite - a sign of courage and strength to face up to painful issues and tackle them head on.

Other professional helpers such as social workers, C.P.'s, Community Nurses and Psychiatrists are usually in some way tied up with the mental health system. Again, if they are to be helpful in a crisis they need to show the qualities of a supportive person. They're sometimes able to give practical support in a crisis, such as:

• G.P.s can prescribe medication. This isn't the answer to dealing with abuse but in a crisis it can provide some short term relief.
• Social Workers often have knowledge about what resources might be available to help in the community.
• Community Psychiatric Nurses sometimes have useful skills in areas like anxiety management and relaxation.
• Psychiatrists tend to be very powerful and control access to a lot of resources.

The quality of all these people vary enormously. They can be good, bad, or indifferent. They are representatives of a system which is extremely powerful and bureaucratic and where you can feel like a number rather than a person. This can be very frustrating and not the sort of hassle you need in a crisis. It is also a system which has a poor track record in acknowledging the distress faced by men abused as boys. Nevertheless, some Survivors have found these professionals to be helpful and welcome on their life raft.

Supportive people are an important part of your crisis team on your life raft. But there are other things too. Consider if any of the following are important for you

• Do you have any activities or hobbies that help you 'blow off steam?' It might be watching T.V., jogging, listening to music, playing games on a computer.
• Are there any objects you find particularly comforting? Sometimes people have good luck charms, or objects associated with 'good times.' These can be comforting to have around in a crisis.
• Do you have any spiritual or religious beliefs? These can be anything ranging from strong political beliefs to being part of an organised religion like Islam or Christianity. Such beliefs can be great sources of comfort in times of crisis.
• Pets can also be a sources of comfort. A loving dog or cat can give a lot of support and acceptance and may even sense that you're having a painful time.

Build your raft and put on it what you need to feel safe. This will include a few carefully chosen people who you know are supportive. You are in charge of the raft and where it is going. But they can help you over the rapids.