SI Article by Donna Adams
This article will be different than any I'll probably ever write here, for I'll not write only as a Nurse, but I will write as one that suffers with SI, or better known as one that causes injury to myself.
Some people in this cruel place we call the world know us better by the word cutters, or freaks. I am blessed to be one of the fortunate ones that never allowed my disorder to get out of control thanks to my nursing knowledge and the support of my wonderful Husband, Son and the many encouraging things my beloved Mother taught me all my life before I lost her to Colon Cancer just two years ago at the tender age of fifty-three.
However, there are some SI's out there that cut themselves with razors and other sharps, burn themselves with cigarrettes and other instruments of hot items so badly that they require hospitalization to insure their safety.
Some are in Emergency rooms weekly or several times weekly to get stitches that will leave scars upon their bodies for the remainder of their lives.
There are numerous reason's why this practice is exhibited, but let's look briefly at other types of self mutilation.
Many are misinformed that only cuts and other forms of scarring constitute the definition of self injury. That isn't true.
Eating disorders are anther form of hurting one's self. So is the numbing of senses so that one might escape the inner pain and drift into a euphoria of forgetting for a time by the use of drugs or alcohol.
It is important to understand that a "cutter" or one that binges, purges, or refuses to eat also feels a sense of euphoria as well.
Brain chemistry is altered and therefore addiction occurs , so just stopping is not as easy people want to believe it is. Sadly those that become addicted don't realize this many times until it is too late, just like the alcoholic and drug addict won't realize it before the drug has taken over.
If intervention doesn't come to the resue, the end result is always death. If not sooner, then later. If not by some induced accident, then by the results of the drug on the body.
So what makes a person want to cut or burn themselves anyway? Well, a number of things can trigger this behavior. It can start at any age and it knows no gender. Both male and females are prone to practice this.
Some view it as being 'artistic', but there is always a deep rooted pain inside the SI. Study shows that most SI's have suffered some form of abuse at an early age. Usually sexual, but it can could be physical, emotional or mental.
It could be triggered also by something that happens later in life such as a rape or something else that causes a false sense of guilt.
I can't speak for anyone else, so I'll attempt to tell you what I've learned so far about myself, and how I felt when I have cut in the past.
I have never been sexually abused by my Father, but I have been mentally and emotionally abused by him. I have, as the oldest of four siblings, felt I had to be the protector in my family as I have hidden in the shadows, watching fearfully as the man I loved and called Daddy beat my lovely Mother until at times I wondered if he would kill her.
I can't begin to tell you the fear I carried in my young heart up until the time I was twenty two years old, even though she divorced him. And even then that fear would have never left had my youngest brother not been forced to shoot and kill him in self defense.
My self injuries didn't start until I was eighteen years old. I had just lost two babies shortly after getting married and moving almost 2500 miles away from home, family and friends. My new Husband had been out with another girl and I was alone at a Army Hospital.
I won't go into graphics here, but suffice it too say, the Doctor I had done some things with my baby in front of me for the sake of teaching his Resident Doctor's that caused me to have nervous breakdown.
When I found out where my new Husband had been I excused myself, and went into the restroom to be alone. I lost control of my emotions but felt a great sense of relief as my fist went through the wall. My knuckles were bleeding, yet there was no pain. Little did I know that was the beginning of something great that would one day take me over.
The lashing out in fits of anger eventually turned from the walls to myself. I began pulling my hair as I would slide down into a corner. Sometimes I'd bite my lip till it bled.
I divorced him and I got better. It seemed I didn't throw so many temper tantrums for awhile. I moved home and being near my Mother seemed to be the perfect medicene for me. We were only eighteen years apart, and she was my best friend. I had no secrets at all when it came to her.
But after several years, more arrows began to be thrown my way. The hairpulling started again. I'd find myself sometimes soaking in a tub of water and out of the blue, I'd start kicking and doing all I could to crumble a bar of soap with my bare hands. The rage I felt inside was incredible.
Sometimes, I would bend my fingers until I was sure they would break. Then, one day I saw a razor blade......... a brand new razor blade. It was if it spoke to me. Called out to me...
I didn't want to kill myself. I just needed something to release all the pent up rage. The hurt. The frustrations I couldn't seem to put into words. I had always been able to write, but no longer could I even do that.
It was like my heart had already been cut to pieces, and there just wasn't anywhere else left to cut, so I had no choice now but to start cutting on the outside. No one could see my insides. No one could seem to understand my pain any other way! I had to show them how bad I hurt. How much I loved them! I had to bleed for them!
I picked up the razor and I slowly began to cut. Not deep. Just a little until I saw the bright red blood begin to seep from just above my wrist. It was beautiful to me. It was full of life and I finally felt as though some of the pressure had been let loose, but I immediately knew this was NOT right. I should never do that again. I got rid of the razor and vowed I'd never do that again. And I didn't. At least not for another year or so. This would become my first and only secret from my Mother. I just couldn't tell her about something like this. Nor would I tell her the next time or the next time.
Anyway, that is more or less how it all started, and it was only little knicks here and there up until October of 1999. Then I cut a three inch long slice on my left inner arm, just above the wrist and bend of the elbow with a double edge razor.
That is when I broke down and told my Husband everything, shared my secret with my Doctor, had my medications altered, and looked reality in the face.
I work hard everyday to not only get well, but to help educate other's as they move through the maze of moods that seeks to hold us all captive to depression, thoughts of suicide and scars of life.
I've learned to let go, and trust the God I've chosen to give my heart too.
SI...Self Injury. A subject of taboo? It doesn't have to be. Tell someone what you learned today by reading this article? And reach out to let other's know you are willing to accept and help them battle this pain.
Addiction to SI is not easy to overcome. I still have great difficulty. Reality tells me I may cut again one day and I just have to take it ONE DAY AT A TIME, giving my best for each day.
But all addiction's require committment. I'm willing to commit. I'm worth it. So are you.
Copyright Donna Adams
About the author
Donna is a Licensed Nurse in Tennesee. She is also a Deputy with the Desoto County Sheriff Department Search And Rescue Unit. She is managed and produced by American Image Music with two Gospel songs released to her credit and a CD in the making. One audio cassette has been independently released titled, Discovering God's Promise, An Answer To Suicide, and plans are to follow up with other audio's of this nature as she continues in using her Nursing knowledge along with her personal experience's in motivational speaking. She has two and one half years of live television experience as she hosted The Donna Adams Program on Unity Broadcasting and starred with Eddie Bond on his program at Fox 13 in Memphis, TN where she still appears on occassion. Donna is a published writer and a member of the National Library of Poetry. She hopes to one day publish several books ranging from Fiction to Non-fiction. She is married and has one son, age fifteen.